It has been over a month since I last posted (this sounds a lot like my journal entries) So much has happened and I have grown.
I hope that you won't mind me using this as a way to process, writing seems to do the that for me. And if you find me being too real for you, I hope that you will not be offended.
On the 6th of September my children returned to school and my Mom came for a visit. We had great plans of all that we would do and accomplish while she was here. It was her first visit to New Brunswick and to our new home. I was eager to get her opinion on Reno's and decorating. There is just something about having my Mom to bounce thoughts and ideas around with.
While she had only been here a couple of days when we got the sad news that her father had passed away. So we decided to pack up my van and make the two day trip to Ontario so that she could be there for the funeral and we could still be together. We took Jacob with us so that it would be easier for everyone left at home and he was pretty excited to have the time with his mom and grandma!
My Grandfather has been a tricky person in my life. There have been some issues that I have had to work throw and I was so grateful that I had taken the opportunity last summer to sit down and talk some things over with him. I had first thought that that discussion had been for him but I can see now that it was totally for me. I am grateful that I listened to that inner voice that said, `now is the time`. So with all demons being dealt with, his funeral was not a time of figuring things out, but a time to reflect and enjoy the love and companionship of family.
A week later we were home and settling back into our visit. We had some wonderfully, hard talks over other difficult areas of life with tears and laughter soothing the way. I was able to see for the first time why I feel so driven to prove myself and to accomplish something great.
Finally I am beginning to realize that I just might be enough as I am. (Don't hold me to it, I am not completely committed to that statement just yet!) But I am beginning to let go of the need to be enough in others eyes and just be enough for myself.
And to see if that is true, I was given another opportunity to look it straight in the eyes. Just over a week of being home from that funeral, I was afraid I was heading to another one. My Dear Father, who was just getting out of surgery was not doing well and we were all called home to be with him. As I left my family and boarder a plane, I found myself filled with regret. Regret that I had not taken the time to sit down with my Dad and be real with him. To let him know that I was sad we weren't closer and that I wanted to be. As we gathered around his bedside and stories were shared, I realized that I had wasted precious time. I had been waiting for him to make the first move, to be the adult, the dad, and step up to the plate so to speak. And I realized that I should have been the one to do that. All of the frustrations and points I was trying to make with him were not worth the time that was lost.
I am happy to report that he did make it back home. I have been able to spend some time with him and to have some good discussions. (May I add here, that the T.V is great if you are trying to avoid having a difficult conversation and it comes in handy if you are stressed right out and looking for a good laugh.)
As I got on the train and left him, maybe for the last time, I was so grateful again for the gift of time. I love my dad. He is a good man. He doesn't do things as I do, and there are choices he has made that I would love to change, but I have come to see that in many ways I am like him and that that is a good thing. He has taught me to be strong, to fight for what I believe in and to say what needs to be said. I am grateful that he is my dad and that I have had the time to figure this out.
When I got off the train in Toronto and climbed into a taxi to get to my hotel I had a wonderful sense of well being. It has been a whirl wind of a month. I am exhausted, but full of gratitude for the lessons I have learned, the time I have been given to learn them and the ways I have grown.
I hope you have a wonderful day and always chose to take the time. I know I plan to!